Ms.Sheila

Who Is The He?

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I read a book lately and it brought to the forefront some thoughts I've had, but ones that I felt were wrong to think about, let alone talk about. After reading the book "Blue Like Jazz" I'm entertaining the possibility that questions are ok, even if they refer to God. I think perhaps God is big enough to take me on along with my questions.
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Mostly my confusion surrounds God and Jesus as one. I don't question the Holy Spirit, mainly because I don't really have a concept of the Holy Spirit other than it being described as the Comforter and the one who has a role in guiding us or 'nudging' us if we have done, or plan to do something wrong. Basically non-threatening, which is rather comforting....hence the name of 'The Comforter' I guess.
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I've often been told that we view God similarly to the way we view our own earthly father. If that is the case, then I pity God as my heavenly father because my perception of my own father has never been favourable, nor will it be. He was unpredictable, angry, unjustly punishing, sometimes kind, always 'icky', not a provider and I didn't trust him.
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During my childhood days in Sunday school and church services, I perceived God as an unpredictable punisher (actually that's wrong as I could pretty well predict He was going to punish) who was impossible to please. He had people swallowed up when He was mad and His punishments were final and extreme.
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I think of Moses as a kinder example when he wasn't permitted to enter the Promised Land because he hit the rock twice instead of speaking to it as God had told him to do. After all those years, he was told no. From my perspective, his disobedience seemed pretty human. The punishment didn't seem to fit the crime, but who am I to question God?
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I read that God would hear the cries of his people, yet His response time could take hundreds of years. I can't imagine letting my children cry until they've given up before I respond. This is the same God that said he would cover his children under his wings....
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God gave orders to wipe out entire tribes including all men, women and children. We think of that as genocide...making it hard for me to understand the verse....For God so loved the world.
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He doesn't seem that much of a stretch from my own father's character, except for the 'icky' part. That's never been an issue.
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So yes, my vewpoint of God is a little warped to say the least...and I'm not saying that to offend God because I'm still cautious enough not to want to make Him angry with me.
Then I think about Jesus, who seems completely different from God. He's kind, still gets angry, but doesn't dole out death penalties like His father...He is more gracious, it seems.
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The dealth penalty incident involves Peter when we read about Ananias and Sapphira lying about the amount of money they were supposedly giving. They lied and they died....that one still blows me away. I agree it was wrong what they did, but worthy of death? Also, if I remember correctly, it was after the period of grace. I simply don't understand.
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Jesus didn't present himself that way. He showed emotion and didn't like it when people He loved were hurting. He had friends and the only time I know of that He was slow to respond was when he was called to Bethany because Lazarus was ill....and that was only 4 days, not 400 years.
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Jesus said "If you have seen me you have seen the Father." Based on my perception of God, I struggle with that one. They don't seem the same at all. I know we are offered grace in the New Testament, excluding the incident with Ananias and Sapphira, but I don't find grace in the Old Testament. If Jesus and God are one and never changing, then where was the grace?
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I know His ways are not our ways. I've heard that many times, but we're dealing with trust issues here. Who knows what crime we might commit that will anger Him? Sorry, I can't forget Ananias and Sapphiras.....
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I accept it on a certain level because that is what is written. But it doesn't stop me from thinking. I question from a lack of understanding. If God is the same yesterday, today and forever, then why doesn't he seem the same in the Old and the New Testament? I'm not questioning the mystery, I'm questioning what is written.
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Or is He the same and it's my perception of Him that's distorted? I would have to be convinced as my perception is based on what I read, hear or experience.
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I puzzle over what I do not understand.
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Now I'll state what I know; what I am assured of. I know He exists. I just have to look at the sky at night or the intricacy of the flowers on my balcony, or look at the mountains in front of me to know that He exists. I am in awe of what He has made. I knew He existed even as a child.
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I am convinced that He cares about even the smallest details of my life. I don't know why I know, I just do.
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He's spoken to my heart and shown how much He cares for me more than once.
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Those are the things I know.
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So, is it Jesus that I know, the Holy Spirit, God, or all three? If it is all three, then why do I struggle?
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My question remains.....
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Who is the He that I know?
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