Ms.Sheila

A Year Gone By

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There was no fanfare as 2009 slipped quietly away to make room for 2010. As the evening drew to a close, I reflected on the events of the past year and understood that my journey had not been as monumental as I believed, but that it had been a year of experiencing life as it is.

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There were many good times that I remembered, including April being a month of adventure when Al and I enjoyed a cruise across the Atlantic Ocean to Spain....and then in June when we became grandparents and were blessed with our first grandchild Elysia, the light of our lives...and as adversity is known to build character, we hopefully became stronger as we fought illness throughout the year.

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In fairness, I suspect we experienced more 'life' than some in 2009, yet much less than others. I have no idea what 2010 has in store and that's probably a good thing. It would be like flipping through the pages of a book to see what lies ahead and as a result, miss the story as it unfolds. I'll have to wait just as everyone else must do, to see what is to come.

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If I seem to present myself as understanding that all experiences are a part of 'life', I will also admit that I have struggled throughout the year. I have battled against the unfairness of illness and sometimes that included holding God somewhat responsible for not fixing the problem. I am strong willed and yet throughout it all my will has proven to be futile.

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I am so completely convinced that God cares about the small things in my life and yet I struggle with trusting Him on the big issues. I wish I could answer why, but I can't....I just know that recently I quietly acknowledged the immensity of what I was fighting and a part of my will surrendered, gave up, or became subdued....which one doesn't matter as the differences between them are miniscule.

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I'm not even sure exactly when I symbolically raised the white flag...and I can't say I gave up 'all' as I'm fairly sure my will continues to lurk in the background waiting to retort "Oh Yeah?" But I have quit fighting as I did, as all I did was battle 'life'. I didn't move forward....I wasn't at peace...and I was filled with sorrow. My 'will' was of no benefit.

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Will I take the time to accept what is and not raise my hands to continue the struggle? Time will tell. I just wish that it felt more like I was "Letting go and letting God" rather than surrendering my tired spirit to an invisible foe. But perhaps I don't really know what that feels like as I've always clung to my will as if I was my only means to an answer.....

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But 2009 has ended as has my reminiscing....I have turned the page to a new chapter and read the beginning....

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"It is January 1st in the year 2010 and on this day, all is well....."

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