Ms.Sheila

          No Peace

Do you ever pause for a moment to look back at your words

and gain insight that at some point in your life there are portions
 you will probably regret? Lately I have considered that
 putting my thoughts 'out there' may ultimately

 thwart the peace I have desired for so long.

Countless times I have poured my heart into words
 so that I could endure the  gamut of emotions.
 Yet I realize my words may eventually hold me in a place of
 emotional regret where I look back and think

   'How could I have written that....'

 Either way, containing my emotions would be
painful now just as releasing them
in words will cause regret later.
I find that ironic....it is a lose, lose situation

.

I free my thoughts hoping they will be caught
 and considered....and yes! I still desire them to be heard;
God please!  Listen to me!  This is all driving me crazy!

I cannot raise a man, I cannot!  I cannot heal a man, I cannot!

I cannot stem his mouth, I cannot! 

I cannot make him or change him, I just cannot!

I struggle with and am so confused by my thoughts.
  How can I possibly love someone and yet feel
 such contempt and anger?  It is all so, so wrong!

.

I have exposed what is generally 'hidden' by
offering pictures in words....each painted from
 a hurting heart. If I put a stopper on the flow
 I will once again carry their magnitude.
 Having discovered this release through words
 I wonder if I would remain emotionally

intact, but who knows? I may be stronger than I believe!

.

 Does it make any difference if my words remain in my heart
or if I set them free?  Writing releases the pressure of them....
it does not erase them. They are still there and I know at some
point I will have regrets having written them. How could I
not look back on the anger in my words without regret?

.

I have a heavy heart when I think of sweeping
 it all under the carpet so that it remains hidden,
 and pretending what is, is not. 
 I find it repugnant to present the lie and I must admit
 it brings out the caustic side of me.
 Yet while pulling the debris from under the carpet,
 I am betraying someone I love.
.

So I am uncomfortable with feelings of betrayal,

yet I am repulsed by hypocrisy.
 But then again, if I feel compelled to mention
hypocrisy, what about my past behaviours
 that have not been exposed? 
.
Who do I think I am with my freedom of pen?
.
Opening up my heart in such a public forum has not made me
a pioneer of telling it 'like it is'.....In my anger,
 I have simply exposed the character 'flaws' of someone I love.
.
I should have instinctively set up boundaries when I wrote.
  My only plea is that I really did not know where else to
place my incredible anger, but I cannot use that
plea as justification.....

Choosing to lay my pen to rest will give me some peace in

knowing that I am not being furtively disrespectful.

.