A Return To CaringToday I was considering that my heart has changed....and perhaps not for the better. If it was free from pangs of guilt, then I wouldn't feel wrong...yet I do. Along this journey I have allowed my heart to harden little by little....to become bitter; a not particularly attractive reflection of my resentment and cynicism. Someone wise told me that "Hurt people, hurt people." and it is true.
Even if I tried to deny, or required convincing, my blogs serve as a reminder of my heart's changes. I see no beauty in cynicism or resentment....and I know I have entertained both. Each time I have allowed my heart to become cynical, I have permitted small changes. Only smidgeons, yet over time, my heart has hardened in degrees. Recently I was walking down a slight slope and my hand in a natural reflex reached out for support. But my heart stopped my hand midway and turned it back towards me. It said I could walk on my own....and my heart hardened again.
I know I reside in an atmosphere of fear, anger and a miriad of other emotions and that is just the way it is. But every barricade I put up to protect my heart also changes it; and it seems the changes are never for the better. I am grateful that my blog became a shelf that I could place my anger on. But the shelf evolved into an instrument that carried not only my rage, but the weight of its residue....my resentment.
Is it possible for a heart to hold both love and resentment? Humanly, yes. but not with ease as either the love or the resentment has to diminish in some way to make room for the other. I know that I care, otherwise I would not reflect, but I know that I want my love to grow, not my resentment. I want it to hold love...not diminish it to make room for bitterness.
I cannot disallow my negative feelings as they are bi-products of so many emotions, but I do have the power to disallow them residence....and that begins by allowing the love I have to carry me through them....acknowledge their existence, write about them, but refuse their growth.
It is morning and my heart now, rather than turning away, responds to his despair. His feet are cold and I kneel down and willingly allow my hands to pour warm water over his feet to warm them. For a moment a picture flashes through my mind of Jesus as He knelt in front of the feet of His disciples. I know that choosing to care is 'The Jesus Way.'
I hope I began today by returning my heart to a place of desiring to care. By standing still and allowing the love I know is there, room to grow in my heart. Will I still be angry? Yes, I am sure I will. He is, and will continue to be at times, difficult to live with. His sickness simply brought this to the forefront. Yet I am reminded that I have loved him all along....and I have decided to allow the love to grow, not diminish, as those are the 'heart' changes I can live with.
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