Ms.Sheila

Calm

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I wanted to write today....just for a while and yet I have nothing

of particular impact to say other than imparting my thoughts.

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Today I am simply thinking in words.

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My thoughts are not poetic. They are

placed as quickly as they flow.

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I am calm and it's a good calm.

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I am expecting nothing and neither am I

sitting back trying to convince myself

of anything, or even trying to.

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I'm not hoping and I'm not giving up.

My mind is just calm....today is today....and that is good.

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The repose I am experiencing is welcomed after such turmoil

the past few days. No...turmoil is not the right word...

the most fitting, I think would be agony.

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Abiding in my home swirled a writhing,

grasping pain that would not abate.

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I can relive those interminable moments in my mind repeatedly.

I hope someday they fade, but who knows....

Perhaps sometimes memories just remain.

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But today I glance over and see his head

slightly bent over...peaceful.... in restful sleep.

On another day I might view this as sad,

but today it is a gift that I find truly beautiful.

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I have considered that I may struggle

with trying to control things.

I suspect my friends would agree, but I'm not sure.

Perhaps on some level I do try and

work things out for those I am committed to, but not hugely so.

I think I try and 'fix' things more.

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I want those I love to be happy and content,

so I try and arrange or fix whatever I can to make that happen.

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I love you.

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You need something?

I will do my best to get whatever it is that you need.

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Someone has hurt you?

I will be a ferocious warrior on your behalf.

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You are in pain?

I will do whatever is necessary to make that pain go away.

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Now, here I am....in a place where I am incapable of fixing

the one thing I want to take care of.

I am told (and I know) to let go...and let God.

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Such an easy phrase.

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But here is the issue. I know He is not going to fix this the way I would.

All my 'pleases' won't change a thing.

The ability to 'make things better' has been withheld from me....

and not just me...from everyone.

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With this I struggle.

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I know I don't have the whole picture

and don't know the entire story.

That totally satisfies various questions I have on certain levels...

but not this one.....

With this I continue to struggle.

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That is my nature and it's the nature I was given,

so I guess my Creator just deals with it.

His fingers formed me this way ..... and if change is to be,

then His fingers have a lot more work to do.

I am perhaps a slightly resistant piece of clay,

but I'm in HIS hands....not the other way around.

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That is my thoughtful argument today.

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But I digress....because as I write and from where I am sitting,

I look over and watch him.

I see him being quietly still with his head tilted

in restful sleep.....without pain....

and I think how much I love him.

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and see?

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That was one I could fix....

so I am calm and that is good.

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