Ms.Sheila

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The Insurmountable

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It has been almost two years since we heard the words that impacted our lives so profoundly. In the span of a moment our reality changed and we found ourselves confused and facing the insurmountable.

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There have been times when we have stumbled, then regained our footing...struggled with anger, yet felt the warmth of love. Sometimes he seemed hard for me to find,

but there was never a time I hope, that I couldn't speak to his heart.

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We've had moments when we could forget and even were granted a time to entertain thoughts that perhaps "they were wrong!" ....and those were good times and now they are good memories. I wish to have more.

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Up until now it has been a slow, somewhat easy climb, but lately the insurmountable has been enveloping us....and it seems the higher we go, the harder it is to breathe.

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The toll on him has been brutal as his essence is gradually being claimed....and I can only watch, knowing that the higher we go, the less he becomes.

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Try to be happy? I do....I sincerely do....but I see day in and day out the payment that is being extracted from his very being.

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Last night I found him sleeping in his chair; his hands resting on the arms and his body leaning slightly forward while his head fell by his shoulder. He looked so uncomfortable. It was cool and he was uncovered. I was filled with such a sadness as I reached for the blanket to lay over him. He stirred, opened his eyes and seemed startled by my presence. I whispered that I was trying to keep him warm while he slept. His body relaxed, but his voice had become so old.....yet he is not.....

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I think sometimes I am tired of myself and I fear that I always present myself

as being 'down'....always in a state of 'moaning' and I find this offensive even in myself.

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But I know I was blessed with a nature that was filled with optimism...so that is not me!!

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Yet now my heart is filled with pain, fear, sadness and anxiety....and it seems I am always tired.

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But Christmas is coming.....and I hope it will be a day to forget the insurmountable....that it will be filled with love, noise, holiday fragrances and the laughter of family, children and friends....and that by the end of the day....it will be one to remember.

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I wish everyone a very Happy Christmas...and to the man I love...may it be the best ever....and now I will go wrap his paper shredder (Shhhh!) that I know he will love.....go figure....

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