Ms.Sheila

2012-02-16T12:10:00.000-08:00

Our home is finally beginning to evolve into a structure that is recognizable!

Wow!

It's hard to imagine that
we might be living

there in a month
and a half.....

How Blessed we are!

***

2012-01-19T22:49:00.000-08:00

A New Beginning

It All Begins With A Foundation

What fun it was to drive to where our new home is going to be and see that they have started!

It's not much to look at and it seems to small!.....but when all is said and done it will just be perfect and so I must wait until it is ready for us. That's the time I am looking forward to. The day we open the door and look around in excitement while my heart whispers 'Thank You' for our blessings.

But for now.....we must wait.....

***

2011-11-01T05:44:00.000-07:00

Out Of My Comfort Zone

We're having a home built in Maple Ridge that offers more of a contemporary look in comparison to the 1970's home in Burnaby that we're saying goodbye to.

Over the years I've enjoyed dabbling at painting and drawing and understand myself well enough to acknowledge that I'm a realist.

In order to prepare some artwork for our new home, I've stepped out of my comfort zone and entered the world of Modern art and have peeked at the confusing world of abstract. My first challenge was to try and replicate a painting I saw.....

Goodnight Moon

This was the result of that challenge....and believe me,
the reviews were mixed.... including my own!

The Bouquet

After finishing the first painting, my second
venture was a little easier to
accomplish although I was hard pressed
not to make the flowers 'real'....

Three Part Harmony

The next challenge wasn't easy because it was not painted on a single canvas!

But now that it's done, I think I know exactly where it will go in our new home......

Old World Charm

This picture above became one of my favourites....probably because although considered an abstract form, it was more on the 'real' side to me. While completing this piece of art, I learned new ways to overlap colours....seems I never stop learning!

Fluid Motion

And finally! My first attempt at a total abstract.....
I cannot say how many layers of paint there
are on this canvas! It was so difficult for
me to paint what I didn't understand and I can't
say how many times I started over.....

But I finally finished a piece of work that I
thought was pleasing to the eye...at least mine....

What fun I had!!

And there you have it...artwork for our new home!

2011-06-09T12:25:00.000-07:00

The DIY Queen

There was no need to scout around looking for those perfect lamp shades! Even when I did find one
that might work, it generally sported a rather impressive price tag!

Who knew that shades could be expensive???

So.....

I made my own. I searched through my fabric bin
and found a perfect swatch that was just big enough to cover the lacklustre shades.

I decided to use the hot glue gun so there were some very loud OUCHES to be heard!

Nonetheless, I stood back and admired the end result.....funky looking shades that
were just right!

... and made with love by the Queen of DIY

2011-05-23T13:28:00.000-07:00

I'm Back!

Well, here I am.....back once again....it's been such a long time since I turned away from this blog and I must admit it somehow feels 'right' returning to the place where I spent so much time sharing my thoughts. It really does.....

I haven't changed my mind regarding the decisions I made on my last post, but I have chosen to walk a different path.

There are things that bring me joy and rest and I will happily share those as I step back into blogging.

For example......

During the past few months Tamara and I plunged into painting the living room and dining room. It was a bit like opening a Pandora's box because the more I changed, the more I saw that needed changing. It seemed never-ending and there are still projects I wish to begin. I guess time is what I need....and the funds to continue, of course!

On either side are pictures of the 'old' and very tired living room and dining room areas. When I first painted them I loved the look!

After several years though....the rooms needed a fresh new look.

I wanted calm, nothing red or bright. Simply a soft, restful room that welcomed me. So, I chose a colour that appealed, and prepared myself to live in chaos until it was completed.

So......

Here are the rooms boasting their freshness.....and I am so pleased! Weeks later I continue to walk in and find rest within these walls.


The coffee table was originally an 'orange/brown' colour and since that would not work, there was a Pssssst from a spray can and voila!....a mini-makeover!

Then the end tables were given a coat of paint
that transformed them from a tired brown to a refreshing
off-white. Slipcovers and cushions were added as accents.

The lamps also needed a facelift, so I pulled the colours from the curtains and painted the bases. Now I must search for the perfect
shades that are out there somewhere waiting for me to spot them!

The curio cabinet seen on the right will soon match the
TV stand on its left....once I travel to the U.S. to purchase
the amazing new product my friend Linda told
me about that eliminates the need for sanding
before painting! It almost seems too good to
be true!

This photo displays a picture that I painted

that now hangs above the fireplace.
It provided a punch of color

for the living room.

A week of drawing, erasing, then painting and re-painting ensued until my kids finally said 'Enough mom! Leave it alone, it's fine!'

.... Apparently I'm my own worst critic......

Another undertaking was to create art for the dining room wall.

Of course that required drawing, re-drawing, painting and
re-painting all over again one more time! I chose to draw a picture of a lady
standing in a place where if I were given a choice.....

.......I would be....

I am excited about painting some of our outdated furnishings in the near future, such as the cabinet you see in the dining area, along with the table and chairs...but that is for another blog.

And yes, it is good to be back......

*

2010-08-29T10:44:00.000-07:00

No Peace

Do you ever pause for a moment to look back at your words

and gain insight that at some point in your life there are portions
you will probably regret? Lately I have considered that
putting my thoughts 'out there' may ultimately

thwart the peace I have desired for so long.

Countless times I have poured my heart into words
so that I could endure the gamut of emotions.
Yet I realize my words may eventually hold me in a place of
emotional regret where I look back and think

'How could I have written that....'

Either way, containing my emotions would be
painful now just as releasing them
in words will cause regret later.
I find that ironic....it is a lose, lose situation

I free my thoughts hoping they will be caught
and considered....and yes! I still desire them to be heard;
God please! Listen to me! This is all driving me crazy!

I cannot raise a man, I cannot! I cannot heal a man, I cannot!

I cannot stem his mouth, I cannot!

I cannot make him or change him, I just cannot!

I struggle with and am so confused by my thoughts.
How can I possibly love someone and yet feel
such contempt and anger? It is all so, so wrong!

I have exposed what is generally 'hidden' by
offering pictures in words....each painted from
a hurting heart. If I put a stopper on the flow
I will once again carry their magnitude.
Having discovered this release through words
I wonder if I would remain emotionally

intact, but who knows? I may be stronger than I believe!

Does it make any difference if my words remain in my heart
or if I set them free? Writing releases the pressure of them....
it does not erase them. They are still there and I know at some
point I will have regrets having written them. How could I
not look back on the anger in my words without regret?

I have a heavy heart when I think of sweeping
it all under the carpet so that it remains hidden,
and pretending what is, is not.
I find it repugnant to present the lie and I must admit
it brings out the caustic side of me.
Yet while pulling the debris from under the carpet,
I am betraying someone I love.
.

So I am uncomfortable with feelings of betrayal,

yet I am repulsed by hypocrisy.
But then again, if I feel compelled to mention
hypocrisy, what about my past behaviours
that have not been exposed?
.
Who do I think I am with my freedom of pen?
.
Opening up my heart in such a public forum has not made me
a pioneer of telling it 'like it is'.....In my anger,
I have simply exposed the character 'flaws' of someone I love.
.
I should have instinctively set up boundaries when I wrote.
My only plea is that I really did not know where else to
place my incredible anger, but I cannot use that
plea as justification.....

Choosing to lay my pen to rest will give me some peace in

knowing that I am not being furtively disrespectful.

2010-08-28T07:33:00.000-07:00

Let's Talk

How about if we sit down and talk

About a subject dear to you

We'll talk about the price of things

what's gone up a buck or two

I'll ask the cost of bread or milk

And you'll give it in a flash

We've all learned what's important

As it's all about the cash

It's a subject that intrigues you

The Market highs and lows

How mutual funds have failed us

Why investments haven't grown

How about if we sit down and talk

About a subject dear to me

Let's talk about the kids we have

The ones you seldom see

I'm sure you know just what they cost

The food, the lights are more

But do you even know their age

Try a guess...it's worked before

It's a subject that intrigues me

How we measure up to cash

Although you've been our shortfall

In the present and the past.

2010-08-25T20:48:00.000-07:00

Reeling Me In

Sometimes I think I've had enough

And my heart says I am through

Though it doesn't matter either way

As this is what you'll do

You'll take the rod and bait the line

Then toss it out to sea

The leaden lure attached to it

Will find its way to me

I'll do my best to turn away

Even though you always win

You'll tell me what you're fearful of

And then you'll reel me in

2010-08-25T07:11:00.000-07:00

Her Dream

She goes about her daily life

As though you were not there

I doubt she often thinks of you

I doubt her heart still cares

You've had the time to show her

What a man could really be

The role you had is lost to her

As she sees how you 'love' me

She dreams of when it's her and I

Alone in peace and calm

You foolish man! Why can't you see

Her peace is when you're gone?

2010-08-15T07:39:00.000-07:00

It Was Love

It's a restless sleep

Filled with restless dreams

Moments of stillness....

Times awake in between

The dark is moved slowly

Pushed away by the light

I slip from my bed

Bid adieu to the night

The quiet is waiting

Precious moments are free

No one is waking....

Times treasure to me

An open door to my room

It's restful and calm

I reach for my chair

In the dimness of dawn

A gift has been placed

"Just" because....says the note

Words blur through the tears

It was 'Love' that she wrote....

2010-08-10T21:33:00.000-07:00

Do You Remember Me

It's been 10 years my son

of missing you...

Short, yet endless all the same.

My heart wants to ask

Are you really happy my son?

Do you laugh and sing and stroll about

In a home you call your own?

Will I walk up your path and see you there?

I need to know.....

Do you remember me?

I miss you son and want you here

But I would not ask you back again

Except for a moment in time to say hello

My sister promised she would find you

Were you there to greet her my son?

I hope she now loves the sound of her laughter

Dancing in bright pink with her red hair

You could not help but love her as I do

Does she have a home to call her own and

Will I walk up the path and see her there?

I wish I knew.....

Does she remember me?

I miss her son and want her here

But I would not ask her back again

Except for a moment in time to say hello

***

2010-08-10T14:51:00.000-07:00

The Guard

She remembers to accept what is

Those things she cannot change

Her days begin with newness

In thoughtful re-arrange

But her life of ups and downs

Is erratic and out of place

Her tears arrive unbidden

Leaving pools about her face

A wall is there to rest behind

Her heart falls from her sleeve

No need to hold up anymore

The bricks are her reprieve

2010-08-09T08:43:00.001-07:00

My Helpmate

I have quietly taken over

The things you cannot do

And now I button all your shirts

Then kneel to tie your shoes

Your hair is often out of place

And you're upset when it's askew

So my fingers re-arrange it

Because you ask me to

You've always done the work outside

For that was in your care

But it's something you can't do right now

So it's me that kneels out there

You are my helpmate as I am yours

We are each others hands

But there are several differences

I thought you'd understand

A man protects his family

He shields them from all harm

If a noise awakes him from his sleep

He guards them with his arms

What sort of man calls to his wife

When he has heard a sound

Then lies in bed to watch her go

To see what will be found

The man in him has disappeared

If ever he was there

Were he to read her thoughts right then

He'd puzzle if she cared.

2010-07-24T09:07:00.001-07:00

I Can Only Love You

I am busy or I am not.

It doesn't matter,

as my eyes see you and

my hands pause when your

pain reaches me, but

I can only love you

You are a child in tears

and your heart asks why? as mine sinks.

For who am I to answer

the questions of our

broken world?

I can only love you

I turn my head and still there

is another.

So young to have felt rejection!

My soothing words cannot be

heard through the pain and tears.

I can only love you

And over there I find you

so tired and frightened of

what could be.

But here I am

and my hands are tied, as

I can only love you

No answers for the 'why's'

No passes from the pain,

just moments of joy

is what remains.

Held in Your hands

I can only love You

***

2010-07-19T13:15:00.001-07:00

The Carpet and the Brooms

Once upon a time there was a carpet that lived with a

family of brooms. Dirt appeared everywhere....

and the brooms were kept busy

sweeping it all under the carpet.

After a great while, a small piece of the rug found

it hard to breathe and even harder

to feel clean, so she tugged

and tugged at the heavy fibres until she was free.

Then she shook off the dirt that the brooms had

swept under her and left their home.

Over time she seldom thought of her life

in the carpet with the brooms,

but once in a while she would catch a glimpse

of the broom family and wondered how

they still made the carpet look

clean with all the mire they had swept underneath.

One day she happened to see them and asked.....

"Don't you find it hard pretending

your carpet is clean

when you are sweeping

all the dirt underneath?"

The eldest broom was livid hearing

the little mat's question and rose in

pious indignation. "What dirt are you talking about?

Why do you continue spreading your tales of dirt

beyond these walls?

You can be certain that no one

believes you!" the broom spewed.

At first the little mat was confused by

their denial and anger....

because she remembered what they did....

but in time she learned that brooms

were very adept at sweeping away not only the dirt,

but also the truth.....

....It was a difficult lesson for the little mat to learn

and she felt sad as she walked away from the

Carpet and Brooms

and turned her face towards home.

2010-07-14T17:39:00.001-07:00

"Come to Me and I Will Give You Rest"

I gravitate these days to finding and

creating little niches of resting places.

My first venture, was my balcony

with its comfy chairs and abundance

of flowers. I can read a book, watch the

bees, or sit quietly and wait for the

humming birds to find the fragrance

of the honeysuckle that also draws me.

Another day I organized my little room at the top

of the stairs which had slowly become a carry-all

and put it back to a place of rest and solitude.

My own little room where my thoughts

flow...where I reflect....where I

am able to re-group.

Recently I set my sights on the living room and

moved a chair here....a couch there....not only

for a fresh look, but to create a setting that

would beckon me to rest there.

My latest attempt took me into our back yard.....

an area that has been modestly maintained,

yet seemingly abandoned.

Not one place speaks of loving hands.

I looked around and chose a space under

an unruly wysteria. Wearing garden gloves, I

laboured under a hot sun, cutting back, weeding, shoveling dirt

and placing cement blocks...... trying to

create a space that would whisper "come and sit here...."

***

2010-07-13T07:48:00.000-07:00

Perhaps

Perhaps it's true that....

"Absence makes the heart

grow fonder."

Perhaps it's also true that.....

"Absence makes the heart

grow fonder of the absence."

2010-07-09T08:58:00.000-07:00

The Holiday

You needed a holiday filled

with laughter and smiles .....

I needed one resting

in quiet for a while.

I hope you were smiling

when you both drove away,

as our vacations began

at the same time today.....

2010-06-29T09:31:00.001-07:00

Lifting The Cloud

There once was a cloud that

settled overhead.....

It smothered in its darkness

and demanded to be fed.

The light broke through the gloom

and lifted up the cloud

"Remember child, you belong to Me

......and the dark I've disavowed."

2010-06-25T20:05:00.000-07:00

The Resting Place

I'm not sure if I'm up or down

as I move so fast from each.

I see a place where I could rest,

but it seems beyond my reach.

I walk the bridge across the moat....

There's a soothing place inside.

Curled up within the fortress strong,

I'm apart from what's outside.

I guess the sun just slipped away

and a cloud settled in its place.

It's shadow's seen within my eyes,

but not upon my face.

2010-06-24T07:24:00.001-07:00

Bounce

bounce love bounce

bounce anger bounce bounce

bounce bounce bounce bounce

bounce bounce again bounce bounce

bounce now bounce back bounce

bounce my love bounce bounce

bounce my anger bounce

bounce again bouce

bounce

2010-06-22T12:14:00.000-07:00

Father's Day

Father's Day is over, even though we all know

that for you, every day is really 'Your' day.

Still, as the celebrated Day grew closer, I waited for

someone to come and whisper "What are we going

to do for Father's Day?"

.....But no one came.

Can you see what you have done???

No voices asked for paper and no hands furtively

worked behind closed doors preparing a Father's

Day card that announced their affection.

.....not one

Can you see what you have done???

Then on Father's Day.....there was pleasure as

we dined out and the children were delighted not to

have to worry about what they could or could not have,

although the familiar look that sadly questioned

Is this one too expensive?" seems ingrained.

....on every face.

Can you see what you have done???

Then off to church where we watched a video on

the importance of a father. I was stunned as I watched

it unfold. My mind went back in time when our son

was so little....so fearfully wide-eyed of you!

Did you not recognize yourself in this video?

You must have!

How could you not?

Can you see what you have done???

At home I quietly asked what you thought of the video.

"It was great!" you replied, nonchalantly lifting your head

from the newspaper for a moment.

.....And I know you did not see.....you did not hear.....

not even for a moment.

Don't you know you could have moulded him with your love?

Now at 36, our tense, nail biting son lives at home, yet

doesn't live at all....and I still cringe each time you call him

from your chair with your unwarranted military voice.....

and he answers.

Even now he waits for you.....

Can you see what you have done???

My daughter telephones. "Mom, I tried to find dad a Father's

Day card, but I couldn't find one that suited him. They all

say things like 'You're the best!' and I just can't say that. I know

dad loves the baby, so I'm giving him a card from her, as it is

easier than finding one from me. Is that ok?"

Can you see what you have done???

What of our other son who has been with us for over 15 years?

Do you know he still struggles with his feelings for you

even though he is now a man? He tells me "It was easy planning

mother's day for you, because we all wanted to. But I don't feel

like planning anything for him and I feel badly. Now it seems

I just don't talk to him......I try hard to remember the good times

so that I don't get mad at him now."

Can't you see what you have done???

I ask him to tell me what the good times were and he does.

I am sad, thinking "Those are your good memories?

He wants to love you and should have no guilt....yet like the others,

he carries the weight of guilt that should be yours.

Can you see what you have done???

.....and then there are the younger ones. They are still children, but

already you have lost them.....even though at one time their hearts

were yours for the taking.

Can you see what you have done???

As for me? I prepared for you a special day because I still care.

It seems your weakness draws me back

over and over again and I assume your load

as I carry my own.

Have you noticed?

Do you care? Perhaps you do.....perhaps you don't.

I have no faith in you or your heart....but your hair?

That is important to you......that I do know!

Can you see what you have done?

No....

I know you did not see....

You did not hear.....

Not even for a moment.

***

2010-06-15T10:23:00.001-07:00

Pack It Up Grama

I'm proud (yes, in this instance I am!) to show

my latest creative endeavours.

Of course, in hindsight, it may

have been wiser to have checked

the sizes before I started....

But I didn't and the pink dress is too small for Elysia....

But I'm hoping the blue one will be just right!

Hmmm, this story is sounding vaguely familiar....

somewhat like

Little Red Riding Hood checking out the beds....

Oh well ....

Even though it's been enjoyable and equally relaxing,

it's time to put it all away for a while.

I'm turning my attention to organizing my little room

at the top of the stairs......and

after I have sorted, tossed and donated,

I will enjoy my little space once again.

***

2010-06-08T06:21:00.001-07:00

A Softer Side

Ahhhh...such a sweet mystery.

Has it been one day.....perhaps two?

Am I the only one who has noticed?

Yes, I believe so......

There is a softness.....

a thoughtfulness.

Yes, I still quietly sigh as the caustic

emerges in unharnessed

moments....

but for now that is ok, as the softness

has found its way to me.....

2010-06-03T00:42:00.000-07:00

You Whispered Your Love

Take everything....take it all.

Take every word spoken in haste.

Every thoughtless response,

every hurt, every tear, those

unnoticed moments,

each angry word....

Sweep them from my heart

by the balm of your words....

You whispered your love

and.....I heard.

2010-05-31T11:27:00.001-07:00

The Ride

Life is one big Amusement Park ride,

and once you're on.....you're on.

The Ferris Wheel offers a slow moving,

easy life and the riders

seem miles above the chaos

and lives of those below......

Others are content to climb on the

Carousel and are blissfully carried

through life without a care.

Then there are those that ride the Pirate Ships

who have always desired to sail away...

Back and forth they go without

seeing beyond the bow.

The adventurers who risk life and limb

happily climb heights only to rely on

man made safety lines before they leap

from platforms without a thought.

Still others ride on the Roller Coaster

with a smile of anticipation until the ups

and downs, twists and turns catch them

off guard and hurtle them around

unknown curves.

I am unable to climb down from my ride

yet I often catch a glimpse of the Merry-Go-Round

that is close yet seems so far.....

What bliss to be carried for just a while.....

***

2010-05-24T07:06:00.000-07:00

Nothing I Would Not Do

I began with such patience....

Oh! There was nothing I would not do!

But life continued....

as did you....

and the 'nothing I would not do'

faded.

Last night I dreamt that it was me....

In a backdrop filled with fear.

Then the dream was gone and I awoke.

And now there is

'nothing I would not do.'

for you......

2010-05-21T12:08:00.000-07:00

I love simplicity in my life. Sometimes every aspect

of the day seemed so tense, hurried and filled with intensity

that simplicity evaded us.

But lately, now that the chemo is over for the time being

and the effects are slowly ebbing, I am granted those

moments of calmness that my spirit needs.

It is like a deep, slow breath of freshness....

enjoying laughter with friends, the beauty of spring flowers,

my cat resting her head beside me....a cup of tea...

Simplicity

....rest for the soul...

2010-05-21T11:43:00.001-07:00

The First Hat

Last night I spent the evening at my friend Linda's home.

With bowls of popcorn on hand, Linda showed me

how to crochet a small hat.

I have found that my past crocheting accomplishments

are best viewed from a distance....and so this particular

pattern seemed quite daunting!

But I persevered and Linda showed tremendous

patience during the teaching process.

I sailed along until I reached the instructions for the

edging, which we both found ambiguous at best.

After several attempts, Linda suggested that we wait

for some expert advice, so we set it aside for the evening.

Of course, I find it hard to wait....always have....so,

this morning I looked online for ideas and after a few starts

I found a lovely way to finish the hat!

I really am quite proud of this one.....

I know....brag...brag....brag....

***

2010-05-17T09:34:00.000-07:00

What A Yarn

My first attempts to crochet required my undivided attention and focus. How things change! Now I can watch a movie, work on my computer, or have a conversation with a family member while stitching away!

Not only are my hands kept busy, but the cats are intrigued and 'pounce' ready as they watch the dancing threads roll about my feet.....

My latest project was made for Sara and I'm pleased to report it only required a few re-starts.....

2010-05-16T21:27:00.000-07:00

Gardening

Sorry to say, I don't have a green thumb. I believe that's fairly clear to all who know me....and even those who don't really know me but have heard rumours about the inevitable death sentences my plants were doomed to in the past.

Still and all, I LOVE flowers and beautiful gardens. I simply don't possess the creative skills or talent to develop what I love, so I have garnered my pleasures from the creativity and labours of others.

Until......

Last year our small balcony was given a facelist and enclosed by our friend Bob. Soon after, I pictured how I could beautify the space even more with flowers. Through trial and error the result was a balcony that was transformed into a wonderfully serene and beautiful space. Well, ok....the serenity struggled with the traffic noises, but as I slowly rocked on my swing with a cup of tea and a good book in hand, I somehow managed to transcend the annoying. Not a difficult task I might add, when settled so comfortably amid an array of colours and surrounded by the fragrance of honeysuckle.

After last year's success and minimal plant deaths, I'm encouraged to try again this year. I had hoped there would be a few survivors, but apparently when they call them 'Annuals', they seem to know what they're talking about! My recent and somewhat costly trips to the garden farm presented me with an array of flowers that I picked at whim and placed precariously on my already overflowing cart......I was anxious to decorate my space once again. While I was moving about the various isles, one of the flower pots fell off and onto the ground. I quickly picked it up, checked for any broken foliage and seeing none....I began to sing a few words to the song "I Will Survive". To my surprise, moments later a man walked up to me and stated "Not if you treat them that way they won't!" Obviously he's heard of me before.......

Potting my purchases took a couple of days.....well, actually bringing them all in seemed to take that long if the truth be known, but eventually I was ready to plant them. My friend Karin helped by 'refurbishing' last year's soil. (Who knew that was required???) in preparation for the new plants and then I was on my way.

Most of the work has been done now and already I have enjoyed a few visitors.....A tiny sparrow flew in for a quick drink from the fountain and a hummingbird checked the progress of the honeysuckle. Nature has such a wonderful way of revealing the incredible creativity of God.....and those tiny birds that visit render me motionless and in complete awe.

I'm looking forward to many moments this spring and summer of tranquility in my little room of flowers.

2010-05-10T16:50:00.001-07:00

Mother's Day

It is the one day out of the year when mothers become

ladies of leisure.....totally pampered.

Children and spouses are inundated with commercials

that tout "Buy her chocolates or buy her diamonds to

show her how much you love her.".....but they are wrong.

Does that mean that I don't appreciate the flowers I am

given? No! I love them. I can sit on my patio and enjoy

their beauty for as long as I am able to keep them alive....

although I am well known for not having inherited a

green thumb!

Mother's Day is waking early to enjoy a little quiet time

before hearing the sound of a child whisper "Stay where

you are....don't come into the kitchen because I'm

making you breakfast."

Mother's Day is seeing the anxious, yet smiling face

of that same child as she hands you a 'specially' made

omelette to enjoy at 6:30 A.M.

Mother's Day is sitting back with a cup of tea as the

remaining kids rouse themselves from sleep at 8:00 AM

and make their way into the kitchen to prepare

another hearty breakfast while at the same time quietly

displaying annoyance with the omelette maker.

Mother's Day is making room for the

second breakfast.......

Mother's Day is being asked to "....leave your plate and

just go and relax." when breakfast is over, as they

clear the table and kitchen of everything 'breakfast'.

Mother's Day is displayed in the cards that are given

individually throughout the day. Some are caring,

some are funny, yet all are love filled.

Mother's Day is a surprise certificate for a pedicure/manicure

that can be used 'right now....if you hurry."

Mother's Day is enjoying that special pampering with Sara

so that there is someone to share it with.

Mother's Day is arriving home to find the kitchen filled with

the hustle and bustle as dinner is prepared to perfection.

Mother's Day is being handed an icy cold Peach Cider to enjoy

before being asked to sit down to a lovely dinner of steak,

scallops, shrimp, mushrooms, mashed potatoes, gravy,

asparagus and crisp salad....

topped by a choice of pies for

dessert.

Mother's Day is hearing Grandma, the grand Matriarch say

"I hate steak! Next time just give me a weiner!"

Mother's Day is pausing to listen to the noise and chaos and

hearing only the warm sounds of family.

That is Mother's Day...despite the commercials

***

2010-05-03T10:30:00.000-07:00

A Return To Caring

Today I was considering that my heart has changed....and perhaps not for the better. If it was free from pangs of guilt, then I wouldn't feel wrong...yet I do. Along this journey I have allowed my heart to harden little by little....to become bitter; a not particularly attractive reflection of my resentment and cynicism. Someone wise told me that "Hurt people, hurt people." and it is true.

Even if I tried to deny, or required convincing, my blogs serve as a reminder of my heart's changes. I see no beauty in cynicism or resentment....and I know I have entertained both. Each time I have allowed my heart to become cynical, I have permitted small changes. Only smidgeons, yet over time, my heart has hardened in degrees. Recently I was walking down a slight slope and my hand in a natural reflex reached out for support. But my heart stopped my hand midway and turned it back towards me. It said I could walk on my own....and my heart hardened again.

I know I reside in an atmosphere of fear, anger and a miriad of other emotions and that is just the way it is. But every barricade I put up to protect my heart also changes it; and it seems the changes are never for the better. I am grateful that my blog became a shelf that I could place my anger on. But the shelf evolved into an instrument that carried not only my rage, but the weight of its residue....my resentment.

Is it possible for a heart to hold both love and resentment? Humanly, yes. but not with ease as either the love or the resentment has to diminish in some way to make room for the other. I know that I care, otherwise I would not reflect, but I know that I want my love to grow, not my resentment. I want it to hold love...not diminish it to make room for bitterness.

I cannot disallow my negative feelings as they are bi-products of so many emotions, but I do have the power to disallow them residence....and that begins by allowing the love I have to carry me through them....acknowledge their existence, write about them, but refuse their growth.

It is morning and my heart now, rather than turning away, responds to his despair. His feet are cold and I kneel down and willingly allow my hands to pour warm water over his feet to warm them. For a moment a picture flashes through my mind of Jesus as He knelt in front of the feet of His disciples. I know that choosing to care is 'The Jesus Way.'

I hope I began today by returning my heart to a place of desiring to care. By standing still and allowing the love I know is there, room to grow in my heart. Will I still be angry? Yes, I am sure I will. He is, and will continue to be at times, difficult to live with. His sickness simply brought this to the forefront. Yet I am reminded that I have loved him all along....and I have decided to allow the love to grow, not diminish, as those are the 'heart' changes I can live with.

2010-04-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

It's As Done As It's Going To Get!

I have had so much fun learning how to crochet and spent days and days crocheting the afghan shown.

Several times I crocheted for what seemed like hours
and hours, then noticed the flaws and pulled it apart to start over again!

My third attempt was labelled by my good friend Linda,
'wonky'...... and very appropriately so!

However, my final attempt is not nearly as 'wonky' as the
third try, but alas it is still a few crochet stitches short of perfect.

The edges will attest to that.......

But c'est la vie!

I feel that it was an accomplishment.

2010-04-26T21:34:00.001-07:00

Mad Again

I scratch my head and wonder how

anyone can always be mad. It's hard

to believe....

What was it that made you mad today?

Oh yes....I took your spray cleaner and

neglected to return it.

Inconsiderate of me without a doubt.

Yes......I agree

It was a biggie....totally worthy of your fury....

and yes...I can imagine what I would have said

to you had you done the same thing.

Get it all out now. Atta boy.....

Let me see.....now what is it this time that's

making you angry?

Oh yes, the child that you're always watching.

The audacity of her!

She moved her feet at the dinner table and you

felt the table shake?

The rest of us couldn't feel it, but apparently

it was very annoying to you.

Uh oh.....she argued with you. I guess she hasn't

learned yet that you're the Entitled One.

Just give her time.....

Too late.

You're already angry....

However, she did learn a lot when you pushed

back your chair sarcastically spewing "Go ahead!

move your feet all you want now." as you left

the table.

Now it's another child you're mad at.

She's sitting on the chair the wrong way......

Yes, you'd think she'd learn....

Mad again!

Yes, I realize the phone just doesn't stop ringing.

Inconsiderate people just don't seem to realize

that you don't like it when the phone rings.

Mad again? No?

Oh, I see.

You've gone to bed.....

Reprieve....Ahhhhh

2010-04-22T07:21:00.001-07:00

Tick Tock Tick Tock

We each have a turn at

living our lives.

Only one.....

And although my youthful

years have passed,

it is still my turn.

To try and alter the early regrets

of my life through anyone else,

....is futile.

It is not my turn.

It is theirs.

2010-04-20T14:29:00.001-07:00

Finished

I am sitting here thinking.....

No, not really thinking,

but pondering.

I understand that day to day

living is not all bad.

It seldom is....

I also understand that life is not

always good.

Not for anyone.

Life is a continuum of both;

a balance of sorts.

But there is the key....

Balance.

I can only imagine a life

of reasonable balance.

How often have I have tried to

find that balance with

the only appeal that I possessed?

Words

I have offered them covered in

every emotion for countless years.

Always hoping for change....

Believing there had to be some word

that would reach your heart

and cause you to see.

My words were my pictures

and I offered them to you over

and over again.

I know that sometimes you

contemplated ...and sometimes

you even saw before turning your back.

Words became my futile attempt

to reach your heart.

You are and always have been

the Entitled One.

So, there will be no more words,

No more pleas,

No more pictures offered.

I am finished trying

and yet I am not sad,

and I am not depressed.

I am simply finished.

2010-04-19T21:51:00.001-07:00

Too Bad So Sad

Am I sad that I'm mad?

Or mad that I'm sad?

I guess I am mad

coupled with sad

and not much else

to make me glad.

Looks like the winner is mad

and that makes me sad,

Too bad so sad

I'm not glad.

***

2010-04-18T21:06:00.000-07:00

It Never Stops

No matter what is said

It never stops.

No matter what is done

It never stops

Words upon words

All wasted

Pondered perhaps for a moment

by the Entitled one.

then discarded

For no matter what is said or done

It never stops.

2010-04-17T08:14:00.001-07:00

A Retreating Heart

It seems these days, that I find myself sitting here less often,

with even less to say.

But this morning, while I am alone, I rest my fingers and wait

for the words to tumble onto the page.

But they do not come. Is it because I am tired?

Because I am. Utterly tired.....how could I not be? I have run

through such a gamut of emotions that my heart has retreated

to an underground bunker leaving my thoughts behind....

exhausted and slow to rise.

I sit back in quiet realization as I am provided a picture of clarity.

Why have I always waited for my thoughts to spill, when from the

beginning it has been my heart that held my words?

I have always assumed that it was my thoughts

that gave them birth;

yet the truth is, it has been my heart

that has continuously provided my

thoughts with her language.

....and now I understand....

When my heart retreats, my fingers rest on the keys

leaving my thoughts with naught to say.....

2010-04-11T09:19:00.000-07:00

It's Been a While

It has certainly been a while since I wrote in my blog.

I guess that's a good thing in a way. For me, blogging

has proven to be an avenue of release for erupting

emotions.

That being said, my lack of blogging therefore reveals

that at least in the past while, I've been able to manage

or deal with the ins and outs of our anything but normal

household.

Yes, there have been 'moments', but nothing that has

hurtled me to the precipice of choosing to either blog or

throttle!

Is it the calm before the storm? I'm not sure.....and really,

what does it matter? At this juncture I am of the mindset

that "What will be, will be'.

This is my time to regroup and be calm while finding balance

and peace in the company of friends.

2010-04-05T07:36:00.000-07:00

Almost One

You are almost one Elysia.....

with only a breath of time to

wait until we celebrate our

first year with you.

And what a year it has been....

You are so loved my little

Granddaughter.....so loved!

Faces turn towards you in

constant delight with arms

that never fail to reach for you.

Our hands hold and play with

you while our voices caress

you in love.

When you are one, the gifts

we bring will only be things....

for our hearts were yours on

the day you were born.

We wish for you all things good....

That your heart will always be

assured of God's love....

That you will know the joy of

creating with your hands.

And that the path you take will

guide you to all that you can be.

2010-04-01T22:11:00.000-07:00

Wall Oven Extraordinaire

Where there's a will....there's a way!

Sooooo,

After much internet searching

for the correct piece of glass

and

for the bargain (sob) price of $107

I am ready to cook up a storm

with an oven that

is working!

....perhaps a few baked

cookies for starters.....

That is, if it was

put back together

correctly.....

Silly Me!

There's no doubt that it was

put back together correctly

this time.....

None whatsoever......

Zip.....

Zilch...

Nada....

2010-03-31T20:18:00.001-07:00

It's Broken.....Again

So here's the story.....

I didn't wait for my oven to

cool down completely after the self-cleaning cycle

and ended up cracking the tempered glass.

Soooo, I ordered a replacement piece

and after 3 weeks it arrived.

How exciting!

Since the piece was $100 we decided to try and

install it on our own.

How hard can it be???

Three pieces of glass were removed

(by Al) and then Tory

arrived on scene to help,

at which point....

Al left.

When asked, Al could not remember

exactly how they were to be put back together.

So Tory tried, but he wasn't comfortable

with how it looked when put together.

I said it looked ok to me.

He still wasn't comfortable.

I suggested we give it a try.

He lifted the oven door.

and

one piece of glass fell to

the bottom of the oven door.

In a trillion pieces.

Sigh....

Easter dinner is on Sunday.

We will not....and I repeat......will not

be having turkey dinner.

Maybe KD with real cheese....

dunno for sure

Big Sigh......

2010-03-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

Dinner For Four

The weekend is over, the kids are back in school and

I am relaxed. As my latest blogs will attest, it was

'trying' around here for a few days, but now calmness

has taken up residence and hopefully it will linger for

as long as possible.

I'm sure this period is due in part to the efforts

of Tamara and Steve who prepared a wonderful

dinner for Al and I last night. I suspect they spent

the greater part of the day in preparation to ensure

it would be perfect.....which it was.

How often do we have an opportunity to enjoy a

scrumptious meal of tender steak, lobster dipped

in garlic butter, crisp hot veggies, the tastiest

mashed potatoes and a glass of wine...and then

if that were not enough, pie a la mode coupled

with Baileys flavoured coffee as a grand finale!

So, hugs and kisses with a huge thank you! for

a relaxed and enjoyable evening.

..... I love you both! .....

***

2010-03-20T09:05:00.001-07:00

The One & Only

LoonyBin Family Circus

There is a circus in the area....

and what is a

circus without a tent...

Right?

As the main performer can

be very active at times,

the LoonyBin tent is pitched and

pegged down securely.

At the LoonyBin Family Circus

We don't sell tickets

because our show is FREE!

Yes! Ladies & Gentlemen

the show is absolutely FREE!!

At the LoonyBin Family Circus

You need to find your way

to a seat when the main peformer

is on a roll....

then you get to see the show

in its entirety.

At the LoonyBin Family Circus

A guest can stay ..... or if

they choose to leave

before the performance

has ended....

(which they often do),

there are numerous

exits provided.

At the LoonyBin Family Circus

The head trainer always remains

to ensure the safety of

those that make the

circus their home.....

and dreams of

tearing down the tent

one day to find a

place far removed.

But for now....

At the LoonyBin Circus

It's truly an amazing show!

like none other you've seen.

.....Hurry! .....

You really must try and

miss it.

2010-03-19T23:09:00.000-07:00

The Man Child

I try so hard to write of good things;

I want to write of the good...

yet here I am once again so

angry... so incredibly angry.

Is this how life is to be?

If so,

Where can I place my anger?

What does one do with it?

Why is there so little good?

I have moments of calm,

moments of concern,

moments to

weep for you in fear;

and monumental

moments of dealing with

your unpredictable, childish

outbursts that thrust me into

damage control

and fill me with anger.

I sometimes wonder if it's me

that's slowly tilting.....

I don't know what to do

with the barrage of emotions

that leave me as tense

as if I were in

an emotional war zone

Still, I have managed thus far,

right?

Ahh, yes here it comes once again,

a meaningless

apology

..... sigh ....

I am so very tired

even of my sarcasm

So incredibly tired

because there is no hope

and never was.

I chose a man child

I live with it.

2010-03-15T13:26:00.001-07:00

Spring Break

I've waited a while for this day to arrive;

and what a long Spring Break it has been!

There were kids, lots of pets, and a puppy to boot

now my home could be posted 'Unclean!'

The laundry's piled up, though I finished it all.

I guess it's easier to return clothes to me, than

to carry the shirts I've folded and pressed,

because that's more like work, you see.

I was sure they'd sleep in, but no not my girls!

They had days full of fun things to do.

But today was the day that they heard me say,

"Get up and get ready for school!"

I looked at your faces all sighing and sad...

and tried hard to keep the smile from my face.

Learning's the key to your future, my dears,

but it's compulsory that I have my space!

***

2010-03-14T08:06:00.000-07:00

You Tried

Oh My husband!

I am so quick to write of my dismays!

Then let me be swift to write

when you please my heart.

Yesterday, I know you tried!

Your days have been filled

with pain and sleep, yet still

You tried.....

Just the two of you

Out for lunch!

Did you let her choose?

You told me you allowed her

two refills of pop!

I'm sure that was hard.

How well I know you!

but still,

You tried.....

Did you pause for a moment to

see her with different eyes?

She is a child

who must have loved being

alone with you.

I hope you noticed her joy.

Perfect or not

I am so glad.

You tried.....

2010-03-12T07:36:00.001-08:00

Free To Fly

Tomorrow I will

'Write A Wild Horse'.

If I pause for a moment

..... I am there ....

flying atop a grassy plain;

hoofs barely touching

the earth

.... unrestrained ......

fingers clasping an

unbridled pen....

.... freedom ....

***

2010-03-11T09:28:00.000-08:00

Why?

My heart is tired.
I am sad, angry, bewildered and teary.

It seems I can never

and I mean NEVER leave my home

without returning to a

problem that has been created

during my absence.....

Why?

Why do you become childlike

with those that are children?

Why do you refuse to think before you speak?

I beg you to please, please be nice

so that when I am away.....

there is nothing to soften

when I return.

How nice it would be

to go out without worrying.....

yet I can't .

I recently met

the husbands of

two friends.

They were so different from

what I am used to.

They were quietly pleasant,

soft natured, helpful and gallant.

Odd that gallant was the word that came to mind

when I needed one to describe them.

They were gallant

Do you know I don't even know what

that feels like?

I never believed that quiet,

gallant men existed!

But they do exist....they do and

I am sad, because my days are spent on

damage control giving my heart

time to ponder.....

"That I am hurt."

As always, I will bury it again

but the ache and sadness remains....

When I write this, please do not think

that I don't hold you in my heart with love.

I do and that will never change.

But I have found that hearts

can love and still be broken.....

But you will not see this

and I would not hurt you with words

so they fall without purpose.

2010-03-05T10:35:00.000-08:00

I'd Like To Go Back

I'd like to go back,

to yesterday. That is, of course,

if it's not too difficult.....

Perhaps for a few hours if

a day seems too excessive.....

Ok, I'll compromise...

How about as far back as the

laughing babies, friends

and the wonderful, calm

sound of water.

.
Since time doesn't really exist

as I know it.....(don't ask me for

an explanation of that

statement)

Is it then too much to request a return

to a moment of pleasure?

I'll give it a try......

I've settled my mind,

closed my eyes, folded my

arms, thrown in a few

'Ahhmmms".......and waited.....

I'm still here...and it's

precisely 30 seconds later

by my watch.

Comparitively speaking, of course,

It's not as though my

life is so blissful that I should be

denied this small luxury......

I'm not cruising every 6 weeks;

and my jewelry is referred to

as 'costume'.......

for a reason.

I clasp my purse tightly

under my arm

in my own home.....even

though it is virtually empty

of any saleable goods.

No! this is NOT the enviable life

enjoyed by the guru of blissfull

silence!

I am subjected to

a cacophony of yowls and

howls from 3 PM to 9 PM

and endlessly on weekends.

I have a home where stovetops

are stood on and cracked by

invisible feet! and an oven

that self-cleans unless I deny

it the right to self-cool then I

listen to it crack back in anger.

I have a car that I have neglected

to lock only once.....only to discover

that someone else likes it

just as much as I do, only

he's messier!

.....Ok....I'll try just one more time ....

Arms folded, lotus schmotus,

Ahhhhmmmmm.....Ahhhhhmmmmm....

Didn't work.....I guess I'm stuck on that

little bump in the circle of life....

I think I'll go listen to Peter Kreeft tell

me that I am a beautiful work of art .....

2010-03-05T09:28:00.001-08:00

Heartfelt Sounds

I heard the sound of a baby's laugh

and it brought me joy.

I heard the sound of moving water

and it brought me peace.

I heard the sound of a friend's laughter

and it brought me warmth.
I heart these sounds
and I did not fade

2010-02-25T08:19:00.000-08:00

Oh My Son

Oh my son....

how did you become this age?

You have quietly woven your years

to reach those that

once were mine.

Oh my son....

If I could only pull and re-weave

the threads of the past!

My shield was not enough

and the knowledge sears my heart.

Oh my son....

You waver, quietly thoughtful...

tangled between esteem and rejection;

Your eyes betray you.....there is

no question of choice.

Oh my son....

My inexplicable, abiding fear

of losing you unfolds;

I know esteem is found

where I am not.

***

2010-02-23T10:43:00.000-08:00

The Hues of You

I've painted you in reds before,

with splashes of darkened hues;

but yesterday with colors soft

I dipped the brush in blues.

2010-02-18T12:05:00.000-08:00

Remember Me

Perhaps she may forget your face,

yet you'll remember hers.

She may not understand your smile

though your heart will yearn for hers.

In time you'll mourn for what's been lost

and grieve for what will be.

But your mind will be her album

to recall what she can't see.

So when you long for just a flicker

as you wrap her in your gift.

Remember that the mind may fade,

but the spirit will not drift.

2010-02-05T20:08:00.000-08:00

Find A Man

There are some things you should look for

when you're scouting for a man.

Make sure that there's an easy chair

so he needn't lend a hand.

Find a man that after many years

won't notice the things you do

because no matter what needs doing

he'll just rely on you.

Find a man that won't fix things

learn to live with the breaks you see.

You'll be told it costs too much

unless it's his TV!

Find a man that doesn't cook

yet still expects to eat.

A man that asks what's planned for dinner

while lounging in his seat.

Find a man that after many years

won't know how to use the dryer

but really doesn't give a damn

because you're the maid for hire.

Find a man that will have your children

but won't notice when they're there,

unless they're loud or tick him off

when he's relaxing in his chair.

Find a man that watches TV

for countless hours each day

unless there's a friend that calls him out

then he's up and on his way.

Find a man that can take any topic

whether it's serious or it's funny

and find a way to turn it around

so that now you're talking money.

Find a man that can do those things

and he may be your perfect chap.

But as for me I'd rather be single

than to find a man like that!

2010-01-25T14:29:00.000-08:00

It's Not About Me

The sickness is not about me

as it resides only in him.

The chemo is not about me

as it is poured only in him.

The changes are not about me

as they are reflected only in him.

The fear is not about me,

but it encompasses not only him.

2010-01-21T10:27:00.000-08:00

The Sew Long Queen

Al has finished his fourth chemo treatment so far and has done quite well. The dreaded tumour markers are dropping and that is the good news.

The downside is that with each infusion....the grouchier he gets. Sometimes he actually reaches 9.5 on the Richter scale!

As he spouts we tend to tiptoe about, closing doors behind us whilst leaving him enormous amounts of personal space.

Very kind of us I might add!

Infinitely better than the various alternatives I've contemplated which would include a guarantee of three square meals a day.....

So rather than dealing with law enforcement, I've taken to sewing.....and I'm very productive as I hear very little over the click clacking of my machine.

Following are a few photos displaying my productivity

....Sew Sew Sew.....a diaper bag for Tiffany's baby ....Sew Sew Sew.....a dress for Elysia

Followed by a nifty pair of MC Hammer pants for Elysia ......and then a matching shirt!

Who knows?? My little grandbaby may have an entire wardrobe by the time his treatment is completed!

2010-01-14T05:02:00.001-08:00

Thoughts

I'm sitting here quietly

not making a peep......

It's four in the morning

and I should be asleep.

My thoughts are awake

and now they give voice.

I'd rather be sleeping,

but they offer no choice.

2010-01-11T23:24:00.000-08:00

Regrets

There was a time I stood at the foot of a bed in a nursing home

confronting a very old, frail looking man about his past.

I had no desire to be there, but a young woman that

needed to heal also needed her story to be validated.

I tried to harden myself from his welcoming smile and

told him why I was there.

I quietly rebuked his weak denials,

firmly telling him that I believed her.....

and then finally, feeling a heaviness

in my heart, I wished him peace and left.

As I walked from his room, there was not an ounce of

satisfaction for what I had done. All I could see

in my mind was an old, weak, finished

man that I had chosen to verbally overpower.

I wished he had been younger....it wouldn't

have seemed so wrong.

If you ask, would I do it again? The answer is

yes, in that case I would, but not

without the regret the I carry even now,

athough I still believe in some way it

was the right thing to do, as she was of more

importance than his frailty.

......and today it is regret that I feel regarding my recent

post where I wrote of someone elses anger,

yet in doing so......I revealed my own.

I have given some consideration, that even

if I speak the truth, does it

necessarily make it right to say?

.
.....or have I been caught up in the familial tradition that

things are best left hidden in the closet, as

perception is more important than truth?

Blogging is a tool that provides a welcome avenue of escape

for my thoughts, emotions, humor and questions.....

but if the 'tool' becomes a 'weapon',

its value is distorted.

2010-01-10T13:47:00.001-08:00

Angry

It is early morning. I hear the sound of your chair moving.....
and the creak of your footsteps as you walk by.
I think, 'Please do not open my door right now
.......not now.....I am not ready to begin my day
with you yet. I still need time.'

I am unable to begin today when I have not dealt with yesterday.
I cannot deal with your anger right now. I am unable to dismiss it.
I can no longer excuse it. I cannot explain it, nor do I want to.
I am finding it increasingly difficult to let it go or to ignore it.
Your anger encompasses everything around you and the
spewing of your spiteful words permeates our home.
Our peace is when you are not here.....sorry, but that is true.

Why do you always allow your anger, of which there is much,
to overpower your goodness, of which there is also much?

I cannot count the times that I have tried to reason with you,
but to no avail. My heart would beg you to see the debris
that was left from your anger....but I no longer waste my words
as you do not see and your ears are closed.
As you say, you feel so much better when you let it out,
for to you, your anger is trivial. Funny that you never asked how we feel.....

You have a cup that you must empty.....even when it is poison that you pour.

In my youth with you, your anger made my heart turn away,
but I returned it to you and it has remained.
You have my love now and it will stay.
I have never dismissed your goodness because of your anger.
But you have paid an exceedingly high price as you have been
denied what you have desired the most
from those around you......respect.

2010-01-08T13:49:00.000-08:00

The Master Chef

My new blog page is entitled

"Life is what you make it".

I don't really mind that heading, but I prefer

"Life is what you make of it".

Perhaps it is the unknown ingredients

that sift through our lives that ultimately

play a role in molding us.

The reality of life is not like

baking a masterpiece

with skilled hands and perfectly

measured ingredients.

It is the creation

of something beautiful

using less than perfect ingredients,

and placing our hands into the

guiding hands of the Creator

.....without a recipe.....

***

2010-01-06T09:42:00.000-08:00

The Computer

I like to write just what I feel

whether I'm happy or I'm sad,

and I often feel the urge to write

if you've made me rather mad!
.

If you're going to buy a computer

try and learn just how it works.

'Cause when it makes you angry

it really, really irks!

And when you do your banking

and you're very, very slow.

The bank wonders if it's you

as there's no way they can know.

So don't get mad if they shut you down.

They do that for your good.

It's up to you to learn the 'hows'

and mostly.....why you should.

You're calling, so I will help you.

They've asked you to clear your cache?

Then please hand me your debit card,

it will be cleared in just a flash!

***

2010-01-04T11:31:00.000-08:00

This Year I Want To Give Thanks

The Christmas Season is over

and New Year's Eve has left us too.

Life is settling back to normal

yet there's something I'd like to do.

People often make resolutions

for the things they want to change.

This year I resolve to say 'Thank You'

and that's a simple thing to arrange.

I'm thankful quiet has settled once more

into this house that is my home.

I'm relaxed and in my PJ's

with a cup of tea, a book and a phone.

I'm thankful the music is soft in my ear

and the book is a good one to read.

Friends and family are close beside me;

I've been provided all that I need.

***

2010-01-01T22:20:00.000-08:00

A Year Gone By

There was no fanfare as 2009 slipped quietly away to make room for 2010. As the evening drew to a close, I reflected on the events of the past year and understood that my journey had not been as monumental as I believed, but that it had been a year of experiencing life as it is.

There were many good times that I remembered, including April being a month of adventure when Al and I enjoyed a cruise across the Atlantic Ocean to Spain....and then in June when we became grandparents and were blessed with our first grandchild Elysia, the light of our lives...and as adversity is known to build character, we hopefully became stronger as we fought illness throughout the year.

In fairness, I suspect we experienced more 'life' than some in 2009, yet much less than others. I have no idea what 2010 has in store and that's probably a good thing. It would be like flipping through the pages of a book to see what lies ahead and as a result, miss the story as it unfolds. I'll have to wait just as everyone else must do, to see what is to come.

If I seem to present myself as understanding that all experiences are a part of 'life', I will also admit that I have struggled throughout the year. I have battled against the unfairness of illness and sometimes that included holding God somewhat responsible for not fixing the problem. I am strong willed and yet throughout it all my will has proven to be futile.

I am so completely convinced that God cares about the small things in my life and yet I struggle with trusting Him on the big issues. I wish I could answer why, but I can't....I just know that recently I quietly acknowledged the immensity of what I was fighting and a part of my will surrendered, gave up, or became subdued....which one doesn't matter as the differences between them are miniscule.

I'm not even sure exactly when I symbolically raised the white flag...and I can't say I gave up 'all' as I'm fairly sure my will continues to lurk in the background waiting to retort "Oh Yeah?" But I have quit fighting as I did, as all I did was battle 'life'. I didn't move forward....I wasn't at peace...and I was filled with sorrow. My 'will' was of no benefit.

Will I take the time to accept what is and not raise my hands to continue the struggle? Time will tell. I just wish that it felt more like I was "Letting go and letting God" rather than surrendering my tired spirit to an invisible foe. But perhaps I don't really know what that feels like as I've always clung to my will as if I was my only means to an answer.....

But 2009 has ended as has my reminiscing....I have turned the page to a new chapter and read the beginning....

"It is January 1st in the year 2010 and on this day, all is well....."

***

2009-12-31T07:18:00.001-08:00

New Years Eve

New Years Eve will soon be here....

just one more sleep to go.

There was a time we would stay up,

but now I don't think so....

When we were young we had our fun

and danced the night away.

But now our young kick up their heels

while we're at home to stay.

There was a time...my husband mused

he still remembers when....

We could do it now if we wanted to

and dance all night again!

You think we could? I asked of him,

as I kissed him on the cheek.

Perhaps with younger bodies

and if we rested for a week!

Happy New Year!

***

2009-12-28T16:12:00.001-08:00

The Grouch

He handles chemo really well

and that is truly great!

But that he's even grouchier

leaves room for no debate....

We've all become quite patient

and none will say a word

to the man that is so grouchy

when his complaints are overheard.

It must be said he wants it now

when a thought pops in his head.

The only relief the family has

is when we're fast asleep in bed.

It's a good thing that we love him

despite his grouchy mood.

Or we'd grab two of his sleeping pills

and mix them in his food!

2009-12-22T12:13:00.000-08:00

The Insurmountable

It has been almost two years since we heard the words that impacted our lives so profoundly. In the span of a moment our reality changed and we found ourselves confused and facing the insurmountable.

There have been times when we have stumbled, then regained our footing...struggled with anger, yet felt the warmth of love. Sometimes he seemed hard for me to find,

but there was never a time I couldn't speak to his heart.

We've had moments when we could forget and even were granted a time to entertain thoughts that perhaps "they were wrong!" ....and those were good times and now they are good memories. I wish to have more.

Up until now it has been a slow, somewhat easy climb, but lately the insurmountable has been enveloping us....and it seems the higher we go, the harder it is to breathe.

The toll on him has been brutal as his essence is gradually being claimed....and I can only watch, knowing that the higher we go, the less he becomes.

Try to be happy? I do....I sincerely do....but I see day in and day out the payment that is being extracted from his very being.

Last night I found him sleeping in his chair; his hands resting on the arms and his body leaning slightly forward while his head fell by his shoulder. He looked so uncomfortable. It was cool and he was uncovered. I was filled with such a sadness as I reached for the blanket to lay over him. He stirred, opened his eyes and seemed startled by my presence. I whispered that I was trying to keep him warm while he slept. His body relaxed, but his voice had become so old.....yet he is not.....

I think sometimes I am tired of myself and I fear that I always present myself

as being 'down'....always in a state of 'moaning' and I find this offensive even in myself.

But I know I was blessed with a nature that was filled with optimism...so that is not me!!

Yet now my heart is filled with pain, fear, sadness and anxiety....and it seems I am always tired.

But Christmas is coming.....and I hope it will be a day to forget the insurmountable....that it will be filled with love, noise, holiday fragrances and the laughter of family, children and friends....and that by the end of the day....it will be one to remember.

I wish everyone a very Happy Christmas...and to the man I love...may it be the best ever....and now I will go wrap his paper shredder (Shhhh!) that I know he will love.....go figure....

***

2009-12-13T07:10:00.001-08:00

The Matriarch

There once was a lady who
thought she knew what to do.
It didn't matter the problem,
she'd find a solution, or two.

She was the matriarch of her family
and the one you'd run to....
If you needed her help
she was there just for you.

But when the matriarch has a problem
just what does she do?
She relies on herself!
.....as she would normally do.

Now the problem this time
was too big from the start....
and the matriarch shed tears
while she was falling apart.

Still she hung on....
sinking down in despair.
Yet her friends rallied around
helping here...helping there.

Perhaps there's a lesson
that God wants her to know.
He's the Master of all things

and she must learn to let go.

2009-12-12T21:32:00.000-08:00

The Season

So here we are....it's mid December.

Last year at this time the

house was decorated to the max, the fireplace mantel was

laden with boughs, bows, pinecones, twinkling lights and

outside our home was a winter wonderland of lights moving

to the music.

This year, I've not been able to find my way into the 'swing' of things,

even though I'm generally the proverbial 'Love Christmas

Lady'. I do have my tree up and I did work on the village

display, but the usual array of Christmas splendor is still

sitting in boxes in my hallway....so it's probably time to put

them away.

If the truth be known, I'm as far removed from the season as

I could possibly be....and lately I seem to find myself hanging on

by a very fragile thread, so to speak.

My body comprehends that this 'thing' we are living with is so

much bigger than I am and as a result,

I am so very tired.

The woman who generally believes she can 'do it all', has had two

panic attacks in four nights, so obviously she's not as adept

as she thought she was in recognizing her limitations.

Someone very wise once advised me to take care of myself

so that I could be effective and I thought I had....

but I was wrong.

Nonetheless, I am grateful for friends that

have been there

in caring, thoughtful ways.....

....I thank you....

***

2009-12-04T20:18:00.000-08:00

Sleepless

My body wakes during the day

and rests at night.....

My mind rests during the day

and wakes at night.

I wish my mind was as tired as I am!

2009-12-01T10:58:00.000-08:00

Calm

I wanted to write today....just for a while and yet I have nothing

of particular impact to say other than imparting my thoughts.

Today I am simply thinking in words.

My thoughts are not poetic. They are

placed as quickly as they flow.

I am calm and it's a good calm.

I am expecting nothing and neither am I

sitting back trying to convince myself

of anything, or even trying to.

I'm not hoping and I'm not giving up.

My mind is just calm....today is today....and that is good.

The repose I am experiencing is welcomed after such turmoil

the past few days. No...turmoil is not the right word...

the most fitting, I think would be agony.

Abiding in my home swirled a writhing,

grasping pain that would not abate.

I can relive those interminable moments in my mind repeatedly.

I hope someday they fade, but who knows....

Perhaps sometimes memories just remain.

But today I glance over and see his head

slightly bent over...peaceful.... in restful sleep.

On another day I might view this as sad,

but today it is a gift that I find truly beautiful.

I have considered that I may struggle

with trying to control things.

I suspect my friends would agree, but I'm not sure.

Perhaps on some level I do try and

work things out for those I am committed to, but not hugely so.

I think I try and 'fix' things more.

I want those I love to be happy and content,

so I try and arrange or fix whatever I can to make that happen.

I love you.

You need something?

I will do my best to get whatever it is that you need.

Someone has hurt you?

I will be a ferocious warrior on your behalf.

You are in pain?

I will do whatever is necessary to make that pain go away.

Now, here I am....in a place where I am incapable of fixing

the one thing I want to take care of.

I am told (and I know) to let go...and let God.

Such an easy phrase.

But here is the issue. I know He is not going to fix this the way I would.

All my 'pleases' won't change a thing.

The ability to 'make things better' has been withheld from me....

and not just me...from everyone.

With this I struggle.

I know I don't have the whole picture

and don't know the entire story.

That totally satisfies various questions I have on certain levels...

but not this one.....

With this I continue to struggle.

That is my nature and it's the nature I was given,

so I guess my Creator just deals with it.

His fingers formed me this way ..... and if change is to be,

then His fingers have a lot more work to do.

I am perhaps a slightly resistant piece of clay,

but I'm in HIS hands....not the other way around.

That is my thoughtful argument today.

But I digress....because as I write and from where I am sitting,

I look over and watch him.

I see him being quietly still with his head tilted

in restful sleep.....without pain....

and I think how much I love him.

and see?

That was one I could fix....

so I am calm and that is good.

2009-11-28T20:01:00.000-08:00

Day 2 - The Sequel

The Case of the Missing Keys

Friday's sleep was quite restful

in that room I adored.

Although tougher for Linda

as undoubtedly I snored.

No matter....I woke up

feeling very refreshed.

We ate in our housecoats

without getting dressed.

The only other guest was

a very shy Brit.

Both of us chatted...

but the Brit, not a bit.

Then breakfast was over and

although raining and grey,

we had places to go

for the rest of the day.

Maps were provided and

we were told how to go.

But by the time we were out

we still didn't know.

We hopped on a bus

then hopped on a train.

We saw the Farmers Market

but wouldn't go back there again.

It wasn't an area that

encouraged people to meet

and we walked past a few

that were strewn on the street.

I thought "Oh my goodness....

now where will we go?

And just where we are....

I really don't know!"

Then my good friend Linda

shook her head in disgust.

She looked up and down

and found us a bus

Our next stop was Powell's.

A store crammed with good books.

You could find what you wanted

every place that you looked.

Linda bought one....

and I bought myself four.

Then we paid for them all

and walked out the door.

We sloshed along tenth

to the posh Living Room.

Time was just flying and

it was late afternoon.

The place was quite cool

as you could eat dinner there

have a drink, watch a movie

in a lazy boy chair.

It was dark when we left

with the rain pouring down.

We had to find our way home

from that strange part of town.

People that live there

seem to not have a clue.

We walked back and forth

from the advice of a few.

I'm nervous in the daytime

Just think of the night!

I scurried from squatters

that gave me a fright.

Let's take a taxi! I yowled

and I'll pay for it all!....

Don't be silly, said Linda

We'll take a bus home, that's all.

And just as she said

we reached our stop in the dark.

Then all that was left

was a walk through the park.

Clutching my purse,

looking left and then right,

I watched for the stalkers

that lurk in the night.

I suppose I'm just skittish

and Linda's carefree.

But when my eyes saw our home

I grabbed for our keys.

With my eyes on the house

I stepped over the curb.

Then a soft 'plunking' sound

was the next thing I heard.

Stop Linda! I said as I

looked at the ground.

Something fell down 'cause

I just heard the sound.

We couldn't see anything

as we checked all around.

Must have been a coin

as nothing was found.

We walked up the steps

and the doors we did see.

Then I looked at my hand...

and I was missing the key!

Did you have it? asked Linda.

Yes I had them, said I.

They were there in my hand

Now one's gone...not sure why...

Back to the curb

we sloshed in the rain.

We looked for the key

again and again.

A man came along

with a kind offer that night.

He said he'd help look

with his trusty flashlight.

He lit up the road

sifting thru the muck that was there.

yet the key was still gone

and not seen anywhere.

It was useless, we agreed

and thanked the man who'd been kind.

We would just ring the door bell

and trust they'd not mind.

We walked to the door

and rang the house bell.

I saw the son coming ...

and dreaded the story we'd tell....

We told him what happened

and said we knew what to do.

We'd wait until morning

then search thru and thru.

What could he say?

We were guests soaking wet.

We were now in the house

and in need of some rest.

When we went to our room

Linda asked if I'd look again, please...

So I dumped out my purse

and Voila! .... there were the keys!!

Oh My! Spouted I...

Just look what I found!

So, if it wasn't the keys,

then what fell to the ground?

Pretty funny we got help eh?

When there was nothing to find.....

Yep, wasn't it funny they were

in my purse the whole time?

Linda seemed...I'm not sure.

Sort of tired and all.

She sprawled on the chair

and pondered the wall.

Soon we were ready for bed and

I dozed off to sleep.

Another day spent with

a friend I would keep.

***

2009-11-27T08:18:00.000-08:00

A Weekend Away

At six in the morning

I picked up Linda, my friend.

Plans had been made

for the weekend we'd spend.

We drove down to Oregon

eating 'clean' snacks for the road.

But she slipped in some cheese that

wasn't clean I was told.

We made it to Portland

in very good time.

and before visiting her niece,

I picked up some wine.

We said our goodbyes....then

found the B&B we'd reserved

It was a Victorian mansion...

regally elegant, we observed.

We took our bags from the car

then knocked on the door.

There stood Dusty, then

Steve....happy owners...

for sure!

I had cash in my wallet

so there was nothing to sign.

Linda needed a credit card,

so they used her name,

not mine.

Well, Linda soon learned if

room damage was done....

she was responsible, even if

I was the one!

We toured our new home

then walked to our suite.

After unloading our bags

a bit of wine seemed a treat.

Now Linda's my friend, and

I wanted to be careful and all.

So to open the bubbly

I walked out to the hall.

You signed for the room

I said, with a smile on my face.

I'm using the hall, so there

goes their case!

I opened the bottle

firmly holding the top.

But it flew from my hand

with a very loud POP!

The cork with a bang

flew straight through the air...

while the wine hit the rug

and splattered the chairs.

Don't worry I whispered

as her face filled with gloom.

See? I damaged the hallway

without hitting the room!

We quickly cleaned up

the best we were able.

Then we checked out the kitchen

and took treats from the table.

All round it was a great day

as we knew it would be.

We'd just be more cautious

'til the end of day three!

***

2009-11-22T07:37:00.001-08:00

It Was You

There are no words from which to draw

to portray the peace found in this home.

It flows from overy floorboard

and is encased in every dome.

It wisps throughout each doorway

and surrounds you by the fire.

It glances from the portraits

and offers rest when you retire.

There are stories told of days gone by

their words linger in the air.

I truly love this stately home,

but no....my peace was not birthed there.

For a moment I supposed it resided here

....the peace,,,, it felt so strong.

But it was His presence that I really felt

as He's been with me all along.

***

2009-11-14T07:44:00.001-08:00

Maggie

Am I slowly getting used to not

having my hubby in our bed?

Or am I just becoming accustomed

to seeing Maggie's face instead.....

She took advantage of my tears

by kissing them away.

Now she lies down on his pillow

hoping she's allowed to stay!

OK my girl, you can sleep right there;

even temporarily so.....

But just remember when he's back

it's to the foot you'll go!

Well, maybe....

We'll see.....

You have been a good girl.....

"Nite Nite, Mags".....

***

2009-11-13T10:16:00.000-08:00

Thank You

Words seem to

elude me.....

so I simply want

to say,

Thank You for

the extra time

we were granted

yesterday.

I know it won't

be easy

and your journey

will be rough.

But I'll be there

to encourage you

when you feel

you've had

enough.

***

2009-11-08T06:48:00.001-08:00

The Chair

I wanted him to be comfortable

so I was grateful for the chair.

I knew that he would spend the night

wrapped up and sitting there.

Alone

I can hear it as it moves at night

when he wants it up or down.

I listen as I lie in bed

to the motors lonely sound.

Alone

Changes appear in increments

and I suppose I should be glad.

But he no longer lies beside me

and the nights just make me sad.

Alone

This latest change has hurt so much

it's been hard to stop the tears.

I cannot reach to touch him

now I sleep with just my fears.

Alone

2009-11-07T08:47:00.000-08:00

Recliner

We women are a fussy lot

and our home reflects 'our' style.

If something doesn't look just right

it often goes 'missing' for a while.

Now I've always hated recliners

and never pictured one in my home.

Yet my hubby's back was hurting

and he's more than what I own.

So I started searching everywhere

hoping for a recliner that might be pretty.

I'm embarrassed now that I thought

perhaps I'd find one in our city.

That's when my friend approached me.

She had what I was looking for.

now my hubby is a happy man,

and I have a recliner I don't adore.

2009-11-04T13:59:00.000-08:00

It Matters Not

There is nothing that I wish to see

There is nothing that I wish to be

There is nothing I would not give away

Nothing I wouldn't do to make you stay.

But it matters not what I wish to see

And it matters not what I wish to be

It matters not what I give away

For nothing I do can make you stay

2009-11-02T06:56:00.000-08:00

Is that an 8 or a 6?

My good friend Linda sent an email inviting me to join a group

of creative ladies that meet once a month.

As a God centered group, we were asked to read a Psalm

that we would talk about when we were together.

When I looked up the Psalm my first thought was

"Oh my, that's a bit depressing....

I wonder why that chapter was chosen?"

but I continued and decided to creatively

re-write the Psalm using my own words.

When I finished the stanzas, I re-read the email

to confirm the date we were to meet.

As my eyes moved down the page,

I stopped when I saw that we had been asked

to read Psalms 8.....

not the Psalms 6 my eyes had seen initially.

I was aghast!

I am seeing the Eye Specialist today, (truly)

but I did do the work, so

I'm posting Psalms 6 as it seems I can relate to David regardless......

Psalms 6

The Re-Write

My Father don't be angry;

don't think to punish me.

My heart is weak and breaking

and I know my tears you see.

I cannot do this by myself

why must I feel this pain?

Your love is never far from me

please comfort me again.

I tell you I adore you....

I call you through my tears.

How can I speak to you of love

when my heart is stilled in fear?

I'm tired, so very tired, and

my eyes have lost their light.

I've cried away my strength

and I've no reserve to fight.

Oh yes! I knew that you were there,

as you always hear my plea.

You removed the enemy of its strength

then gave it back to me.

***

2009-11-01T13:24:00.000-08:00

The Sun Still Rises

Can we return to when you were well?

No...that is a wish long past.

But the sun still rises and it sets

and you are there between.

A moment ago you were tall and strong,

robust in granted health.

But the sun still rises and it sets

and you are there between.

I watch you change from as you were

to less than you would be.

But the sun still rises and it sets

and you are there between.

My hands are weak and futile

unable to hold back time.

But the sun still rises and it sets

and you are there between.

What lies ahead I dimly see.....

the pain, the loss, the tears.

But the sun still rises and it sets

and you are there between.

One day perhaps I'll be alone

and I'll weep for time slipped by.

But the sun will rise and it will set

and I will long for you between.

2009-10-31T11:01:00.001-07:00

In Time

I know that I should look,

but it is beyond painful

to glance ahead.

It takes time.....

In quiet moments I see

what will be and my

heart thunders in fear.

It takes time.....

I have felt the agony

and wept at the loneliness.

My heart....my heart....my heart...

It takes time.....

Denial becomes my covering

and I find quiet in 'Please no,

it cannot be.'

It takes time

.....to accept .....

2009-10-28T09:22:00.000-07:00

The Doctor

What profession would you choose

that you'd want your child to be?

If you thought of a physician,

that's one of the top three.

Why do we place our Doctors

in such very high esteem....

as though they can keep us well enough

to accomplish all our dreams.

The day has come and now there's pain

and a symptom that is new.

But your trust is in the Doctor

who should know just what to do.

You suspect it might be serious,

so you ask just who's the best.

You've done your research, have a name

and rejected all the rest.

You meet him at the hospital

and he's not what you expect.

But you know he's a top Oncologist,

and that you do respect.

He chats with you at first,

but doesn't waste his words.

You chalk that up to brilliance

and for a moment you're encouraged.

He checks you over from head to toe

and then you are x-rayed.

You're poked and scanned and drained

of blood, then wait for several days.

I think sometimes we're lucky.....

But seems this time we're not.

Our brilliant group of Doctors

haven't a clue just what you've got.

There once was a pedestal

that Doctors stood above.

Now I'm kicking it from under them

and following it with a shove!

What profession would you choose

that you'd want your child to be?

I've taken out a 'Doctor', as they're

not in my top three.

***

2009-10-27T11:49:00.000-07:00

A Good Neighbour

Life in the city is busy;

each day we rush here and rush there.

We seldom notice our neighbours

and sadly, we often don't care.

One day a neighbour came over.

Said 'I'm Ken' and stopped by for a while.

He seemed friendly, quiet and caring,

so we paused as we chatted and smiled.

Now my hubby and Ken like to talk,

solving world problems out in the lane.

I quietly move from their way

when same issues are solved yet again.

In the summer Ken often comes by

carrying buckets of grapes that are sweet.

They're a gift from him to our home

and they're relished each day as a treat.

During one of their chats in the lane,

my hubby told Ken he'd been ill.

Now our neighbour looks after his own home,

but keeps an eye out on our house as well.

He noted one day that our back gate,

wouldn't open or close as it should.

Without saying a word he just fixed it;

now the gate works and looks really good.

We live in a city that's busy;

each day we rush here and rush there.

But a neighbour like Ken takes a moment,

to get to know you and show that he cares.

***

2009-10-26T11:23:00.000-07:00

He Has A Red Neck

There was an unknown man who felt the need

to offer his point of view.

Many people heard him spout his words,

but what were they to do?

The people listened then they looked

and thought that he seemed old.

It was a puzzle that at his age,

he was so rude, so crude and bold.

His friends were there as he blustered away

putting down all women today.

It would have been nice if he'd simply left

but he had much to say.

The women around were angry

his words flown at every one.

They shook their heads in wonder

that this cad was someone's son.

"I remember when....men were men

and women weren't." he said.

He waited for a round of laughs

but all was quiet instead.

It's hard to say why he is uncouth,

maybe he's angry with his life.

The only thing I can truly say, is

I'll bet there is no wife!

***

2009-10-20T13:06:00.000-07:00

Garbage Day

It's garbage day today

and I missed it yet again.

I could hear the truck coming

up the lane around the bend.

I grabbed three bags in easy reach

and ran out to the lane.

I tossed them in the garbage can

then ran for more again.

Our family is so large you see,

we have garbage bags galore.

We fill our cans right up each week

and could really use one more.

Our neighbours are so lucky

with their tightly fastened lid.

Ours could never look like that

no matter what we did.

We think about our planet

and recycle and re-use.

But still I see that every week

we've piles of more refuse.

One day I'll have a little can

like the one I see next door.

But until then I'll squish the bags

to fit in just one more!

***

2009-10-19T15:32:00.000-07:00

Change

I can change my hair

and change my clothes.

Change my diet

and my thoughts, I suppose.

I can change what I like

and like what I change.

But the only change I couldn't do

would be to change my mind about

me and you.....

2009-10-19T14:11:00.000-07:00

Summer

I held on to summer's luggage

hoping she would stay.

But she quickly found her missing bags

and now she's gone away.

I thought she was annoyed with me

for trying to keep her here.

But I heard her whisper as she left,

"I'll be back next year."

***

2009-10-16T07:17:00.000-07:00

I Breathe

It is early and I am in my little room at the top of the stairs.

The sun is unable to peek through the trees

as the clouds have joined ranks,

encasing her in grey.

I breathe in.....

I am alone in this moment before the background

rumblings of the morning are heard....

I will be granted a time to sigh before I leave.

But for now there is only the sound of the rain tapping

against the glass...knocking repeatedly for entry.

I breathe in....

Ahhh Sun. I wish you weren't powerless against the clouds.

Yet I know that you are ....still bright.....still strong.

Ahhh me. I wish I wasn't powerless against time.

Yet I know that I am... still here.....still strong.

I breathe in.....

2009-10-15T12:29:00.000-07:00

The Knot

It feels like a knot

and it's with me today.

It's tight as a fist

and clinging to stay.

It 's breaking the strong

giving voice to the weak.

The ropes' reached its' end

now it's quiet I seek.

2009-10-14T20:57:00.000-07:00

The Face

I have a face to wear

that fits me like a glove.

It sticks like glue by day

but slips right off at night.

2009-10-14T09:27:00.000-07:00

The Crystal Ball

There's a box I pretend to open

and inside is a crystal ball.

I imagined it would be bigger,

but it seems, well, rather small.

I'll rub it as I believe it's done

then wait to see what's told.

Perhaps if I stare long enough,

I'll see us both grow old.

OK, I'm settled now and waiting.

I've done what it said I should.

I'm looking for the picture

that proves all is well and good.

How long am I supposed to wait

for the image there to see?

The important one I'm yearning for...

the one of you and me.

Ok, I'll forget about the crystal ball

as no matter what I try.

I'll never see our future,

nor know the reason why.

***

2009-10-14T07:11:00.000-07:00

Alone

I'm not sure where to start

or even what to say.

It seems I go from up to down

each and every day.

By nature I am happy

yet these days I long for calm.

Now all I see is turmoil

and my calm is all but gone.

I'm learning now to live with fear

as it settles in my home.

I know I'm not, but still I feel

so very much alone.

I don't know how to open the door

to let you come inside.

You'd sense the pain and anger

in this house where I reside.

The nights.... the nights come look with me

I'll find him yet again.

The man I love so filled with fear

his body dwarfed in pain.

The days.... the days, I don't have to search.

His anger is there to see.

It can fly from him to anyone,

but usually it lands on me.

Did I tell you I was tired?

Perhaps you could not see.

I live with love and anger

and need tools.....but I'm just me.

2009-10-12T07:05:00.000-07:00

Son
.
I heard from my son today

from the mail on my computer.

When he writes, he begins 'Hi Ma'

and no words are ever sweeter.

He thanked me for the tuppence

I sent to help him live

in the country I want him home from,

but when he needs his 'Ma'... I give.

I want you to be happy son,

but I always have this fear.

That you'll settle down in China

and not build your home back here.

You have a niece I know you love,

so don't miss her as she grows.

The pictures help, but are second best

to kissing that little nose.

She offers something new each day

and she'll melt you with her smile.

So think of her son, and please come home

and stay with us awhile.
.
I know you're smart and you can tell

that I am using bribes....

But I don't care as I'm your mom

and I'll do more than that besides!

Now if it's the rice you love that keeps you there

as your sister has implied..

I'll buy a cookbook just on rice

and serve it boiled, spiced or fried.

I'll serve it to you cooked...

or I'll serve it to you raw...

I'll serve it to you every day

from Winter through to Fall.

Is that enough Son?

I hope it is,

now you can come on

home.

I'll collect you at the airport,

You just have to phone.

***

2009-10-11T21:01:00.000-07:00

My Grandbaby

Your mommy called this morning

upset that you've been crying.

You've been wailing since 4:30

getting louder, not subsiding.

There was a time that I recall
when your mommy would cry too.

But I'll tell that story another time

and today we'll snuggle you.

Now hush my little grandbaby

let your mommy try and sleep.

She walked the floor for hours last night

So quiet, don't make a peep.

I'll whisper to you a secret...

someone said I'll love you more

than the daughter I gave birth to,

your mommy whom I adore.

I guess I'll have to think about that
and ponder it for a while.

So please play fair my grandbaby
Don't catch my eye then smile.

.
***